Month: June 2006

I wonder how much it would cost to have my own army composed of third world mercenaries. I’d want them as more of a status symbol than a fighting force. Obviously I’d have to hire my soldiers from a country where the annual wage is $1.25, otherwise it gets expensive….

Yesterday I gave a speech at a hotel in San Francisco. Afterwards, the hotel valet was retrieving my car as I waited out front. I guarded my tiny carry-on sized bag against the two drooling doormen as their eyelids made cha-ching sounds. You could almost hear them thinking “If I…

After my recent post, a reader alerted me to the true story of a man in India who was born with a 13-inch tail. People think he’s a reincarnation of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman. The man claims that people are cured of severe ailments when they touch his tail….

Wouldn’t it be great to have a tail? It would come in handy for so many different household chores. For example, when I iron a shirt, I want to hold the shirt, the iron, and the electrical cord to keep it out of the way. There’s no way you can…

I noticed that a number of people felt that my recent posts have been self-absorbed and arrogant. My first reaction is “Gee, I don’t want to be self-absorbed and arrogant.” So I decided to apply my gigantic intellect – the one that is far, far superior to yours – toward…

One of the benefits of being easily frightened is that I avoid a lot of potentially painful experiences via a process I call “running like a frightened rabbit.” That came in handy today on the plane during the boarding process. I was seated in an aisle row while a klutzy…

I have a confession. I. . . love. . . television. When people tell me that they enjoy movies, but they don’t watch television, I generally assume one or more of these things to be true: 1. They don’t have a DVR (poor backwards bastards)2. They haven’t sampled any of…

One of the perks of being a big-time celebrity cartoonist involves using a vacuum cleaner to get rid of ants in the kitchen. Before I made it big, I couldn’t afford a vacuum cleaner. I had to shout at the ants to scare them away. In retrospect, I don’t think…

One of the best gifts I’ve ever received was a losing lottery ticket. My brother bought it for me. I realize that doesn’t sound like a great gift, since it only cost a dollar, and it lost. But the way he did it was pure evil genius. No one wants…

Okay, I am totally hooked on reading the true stories you’ve left in the blog comments. One of my favorites is the Cape Town resident that was attacked by knife-wielding muggers about 8 separate times. But I also like the ones with unexplained phenomena. Before I go into my own…

Yesterday I asked you to post your most amazing true stories in the comments. I have to admit they are fascinating. If you haven’t spent an hour reading the comments from yesterday, you really should stop working and do it now. The main thing I noticed is how many of…