Month: October 2007

Did you see the story about a man arrested for having sex with a bicycle? http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml [no longer available] I imagine the police interviewing him after his arrest. It probably went something like this: Detective: Do you confess to having sex with a bicycle? Bike Humper: Yes. Detective: Was it…

From now on, I am only going to buy stock in companies that have the greatest disparity between the compensation of the CEO and the compensation of the workers. Thanks to a little thing I call science, this strategy looks like a winner. Yes, I will explain. I came across…

Tomorrow night, October 30th, at 9 pm EST, you can log on to the virtual world called Second Life (for free), and have your avatar kick my avatar in the nuts. Or punch me, or slap me. Seriously. I took digital photos of my head from all angles and had…

One of the many flaws in my personality is that I am not spontaneous. I confess I am baffled by the entire concept. First, how do you define spontaneity? Is it even a real thing, or just a superstition? Is spontaneity based on how far in advance you have an…

Did you read about the six beer-drinking elephants in India? The elephants found drums of fermenting rice beer on a farm, partied too hard, then uprooted utility poles and electrocuted themselves. The fascinating part is that because they are elephants, they still remember that night. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21432722/?GT1=10450 [no longer available] My…

Did you see in the news that a woman has accused famous magician David Copperfield of sexual assault? http://openbanter.com/showpost.php?id=621 [no longer available] If he’s innocent, I would like to be David Copperfield’s defense lawyer. I would argue that my client doesn’t need to assault women because he knows magic. When…

I put a question on Predictify.com asking how many of my new book would be in print by the end of January. The average of the predictions is over 304,000. http://www.predictify.com/AuctionView.aspx?ID=176 [no longer available] As the creator of the question, I get special rights to look at the demographics of the…

Last night I attended a meeting at our local school. It was part of a larger program put on by the police to teach parents how to prevent their kids from using drugs when they get older. My personal objective was to make it through the night without making any…

You can only imagine how many people forwarded me the story about a gang of monkeys attacking and killing the deputy mayor of Delhi, in India. Apparently this had “my kind of story” written all over it. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7055625.stm According to the BBC, devout Hindus think monkeys are the manifestation of…

Did you notice that the The Dilbert Blog archive suspiciously disappeared last spring? A big publisher agreed with your frequent suggestions that I should turn the funnier posts into a book. So I did, and as part of that deal removed the book content from the Internet. The book’s title…

Yesterday I blogged about a practical joke you could play if you attended a hypnotist’s stage show. That very afternoon, by a cosmic coincidence, I ended up in the audience of a hypnotist’s stage show. I did not try my prank. About a month ago, I got a message saying…

A reader sent me a link about some students who allegedly had trouble coming out their trances after a hypnotist’s stage act. http://www.abc4.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=082e7301-203d-470d-a8c1-2e83a2075614 [no longer available] I don’t know what really happened, but as a trained hypnotist, I can assure you that no one had trouble coming out of a…

My front door makes a maddening squeaky-creaky noise when opened. I could solve that problem by putting a bit of WD-40 on the hinge. Every day, for three years, I have considered doing just that. But every day, for three years, something else seemed more important at that moment. My…

According to your comments, yesterday’s post was my worst ever. Most people seemed to think I was beating a dead horse with a stick made entirely of my own condescension. I was preachy and boring and the lack of penis references bordered on irresponsible. So what the hell got into…

Whenever you read a story about a potential scientific breakthrough, you can safely assume it is complete bullshit. The news is full of stories of cures for diseases that don’t work in the long run, and new sources of energy that aren’t as practical as we hoped. But it is…