There was a time when I considered writing a self help book. But then I realized it’s logically impossible. If you think about it, a self help book is really just an author trying to help your sorry ass. It’s not as if you wrote the book yourself. It’s not even close to being “self help.” So stop taking credit for other people helping you. That’s all I’m saying.
But speaking of helping you, recently I wrote a blog entry in which I explained my formula for humor. The feedback was so positive that I experienced a tiny yet perceptible sensation of joy. I will try to reproduce that feeling by extending my teaching to the art of dance. Specifically, I will attempt to teach the dance-challenged among my readers (okay, the hetero guys) how to move on the dance floor in a way that does not invite spectators to point and snicker.
I feel your pain, because for many years I desperately wanted to know how to dance in a less frighteningly retarded manner. I knew there must be some formula, and if I could just learn it, I would be the king of the dance floor. I approached this problem the way I approach most things, by asking questions of those who have talent. I wanted to know the tricks and techniques involved. Predictably, the selfish dancing bastards would give me useless suggestions such as “Try to feel the rhythm” or “Just do what comes naturally.” This advice, plus large amounts of Grey Goose, produced in me a movement that could only be described as Turbo-Dork.
But I am observant if nothing else. And so I made it my personal project to closely observe the best dancers, hoping to discover what separates the movers from the flailers. One day it hit me. There is indeed a simple secret, and when I employed it, I transformed instantly from a Turbo-dork to a mildy uncoordinated guy. It wasn’t a clean win – I grant you that – but it was enough to temper the pointing and laughing.
The secret is this: hip movement.
That’s it. End of story. So simple, yet so powerful. You can test my secret formula for yourself. First, try dancing in front of the bathroom mirror by NOT moving your hips. Feel free to wave your arms and legs in whatever fashion seems most dancish to you. The horror that you observe will likely cause you to puke on the vanity.
Now try it again, but this time move your hips to the beat, and don’t pay much attention to your arms or legs. Yes, you should be moving those arms and legs, but you’ll find that they don’t matter. Now look in the mirror and behold. You are dancing less dorkishly then ever before. It’s all about the hips.
At this point you’re also effectively gay, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It might even attract some hot women who are looking for a safe guy to dance with. And believe me, when they see your hips moving to the beat, they won’t be worried about you.