It’s important to have goals. My goal is to win a Nobel Prize. I’m not fussy about which one. It could be for physics, chemistry, psychology, medicine, peace, or even that squirrely one for economics. I can rule out literature, because sooner or later the judges would read something I wrote.
I think I could win the award for physics with my theory that the universe is shaped like a timeless, motionless donut, and your consciousness is like an ant walking toward the center. Here I’m depending heavily on at least one of the Nobel judges being hungry during the judging. And it wouldn’t hurt if one of them is an ant.
I might win the award for chemistry for my discovery that Diet Coke and protein bars can be combined with a human being to create crap-like blog posts. I don’t know how many times I have to replicate that experiment before I get the recognition I deserve.
I could win the award for psychology for my groundbreaking discovery that the phrase “moist robots” can be used to dismissively describe all human activity that annoys me. You might think there are plenty of professionals in the field of psychology who are doing more prize-worthy research, but an equally valid point of view is that they are moist robots who hate animals and enjoy hanging around with nuts.
The Nobel Prize for peace seems the easiest to win. I already suggested that DreamWorks create a CGI version of Osama and have it tell al-Qaeda they each get 1,000 virgins in the afterlife if they eat sand until they die. If anyone has a better idea, they won’t win any prizes by keeping it a secret.
I might win the award for medicine for telling my friend Steve that magnesium supplements would reduce the swelling in his knees after exercise. It worked for me and it worked for Steve. So if you need a placebo and can’t find sugar pills, try magnesium supplements. They’re like magic.
The economics prize should be mine for my discovery that everything you need to know about investing can be put in nine bullet points. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. There’s also “some guy on the Internet” who agrees:
http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/Story.aspx?guid=%7BBE57F0AA%2D03D9%2D4320%2DBC4D%2D83363B6372F6%7D&siteid= [no longer available]
The main reason I want to win the Nobel Prize for whatever-the-hell is because it would help in my ongoing quest to win all conversations. After winning the prize, the next time I have friends over to the house, I’ll steer the conversation toward the field where I won my award and wait for someone to say something I disagree with. Then I’ll say, “Let me get you a coaster for that drink.” I’ll disappear into the den and come out with my laminated Nobel Prize certificate and slip it under his beverage. Then I’ll lean back and say, “Please, go on.”
The inconvenient part about winning the Nobel Prize is that there is some social pressure to give the million dollar prize money to charity. I’d have to look at the rules, but I don’t think they can take back the prize if you announce you plan to use the money for plastic surgery, because you always wanted tusks.
Recently I placed 21st on a list of the Top 50 Thinkers.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/career_and_jobs/article2823746.ece [no longer available]
Making the Top 50 Thinkers list is to the Nobel Prize what beatification is to sainthood. It’s okay, but nothing you’d want to laminate and use as a coaster. I know it won’t win any conversations because if I whip that list out, someone will point out that Donald Trump beat me out, and he uses dryer lint for hair.
So I wait.