Have you noticed all the coincidences lately? For example, first we have Britney Spears, who has a baby, then shaves her bush, and acts like a chimp. Then we hear about actual chimps that use SPEARS to stab BUSH-BABIES. The news didn’t say whether any of those chimps are named Britney, but you’d be foolish to bet against it.
This coincidence reminds me of the best thing that never actually happened to me. One day, in my early twenties, I built a little experimental laboratory in my kitchen in San Francisco. I was seeing if I could invent a perpetual motion machine. As is often the case with me, I was undaunted by the fact that the laws of physics clearly rule out perpetual motion. But I would have settled for inventing a cool novelty toy that simply moved for a long time, like those toy water-dunking birds with mercury in them.
At one point, I had a bunch of magnets and a toy electric motor, and a bunch of other materials I was using in various combinations. I fantasized about holding some natural magnets in just the right formation around an electric motor and somehow inducing it to run without electricity. Again, the fact that this is physically impossible did not deter me. So, one day I was fiddling with the toy motor – that wasn’t attached to any source of electricity – and holding some natural magnets near it when…HOLY SHIT, THE MOTOR STARTED RUNNING!!!
WITHOUT ELECTRICITY!
I just held the magnets up to the motor, at just the right angle, and the frickin’ thing started running like crazy! I had accomplished the impossible.
My spine tingled. I told myself to remember this world-changing moment because the media would be asking me a lot of questions about it. I didn’t know how much money this invention would earn for me, but I knew it would be billions. In all likelihood, I would be the richest man on earth in about a year. My invention would power cars, light cities, and heat homes. It would turn Africa into a thriving metropolis. Free energy would make everyone so happy, that war would become obsolete. My invention would be spoken of in the same breath as the wheel, and fire. I would be famous beyond imagination.
Then I looked down. By some freakish coincidence, the two dangling wires from my toy motor had managed to touch the two ends of a battery that happened to be sitting in my lap. That’s why the motor was running.
Oh well.
Still, for about 20 seconds, until I noticed the wires touching the battery, I felt like the most important human being in the history of the world. It was a GREAT 20 seconds. But that’s in the past. Now I write blogs about chimps with spears. That feels good too. And frankly, I think the wheel and fire are overrated.