I realize I’m supposed to be watching the Olympics and thinking about the wonderful achievements of those hard-working athletes. I should be enjoying their glorious victories. But I’m not. Apparently I am defective.
All I see are the losers – because there are so many – who spent their entire lives preparing for this moment, only to fall on their asses in front of a billion people.
I think if I spent my entire life preparing for the Olympics, at the expense of developing any marketable job skills, and then because of a shoelace failure I took a digger on live TV and came in last, no curse words would be sufficient. “Dang it” doesn’t seem to cover that situation. Nor does geez, shoot, crud, or h-e-double-toothpicks.
That’s why I think cursing should be an Olympic sport. We need world-class swear words that are up to the challenge of world-class defeat. We need entirely new swear words that have never before been uttered. I suggest phujackshiksukitalltohell. It would be reserved exclusively for Olympic losers. And it would sound nasty with almost every accent except Norwegian. (If you don’t believe me, try describing any tragic event with a Norwegian accent and see if it doesn’t make you laugh.)