I have taught you many things, but for some reason I forgot to tell you how to lose weight.
I give you now my very own diet plan. The key to this plan is taking tiny incremental steps that sneak up on you. With this plan, no week is appreciably more difficult than the one before.
First, buy a scale and use it daily. As soon as you find yourself 3 pounds over your target weight, begin the Scott Adams Diet™.
Week 1
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Drink more liquids, except booze and non-diet soda. Stop eating after 9 pm.
Week 2
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Stop eating after 8 pm.
Week 3
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Stop eating bread and white rice and potatoes. Eat all the vegetables you want. Pasta is good too because it doesn’t spike your sugar like other carbs.
Week 4
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Adjust your schedule to allow exercise every day at a set time. When that time comes, no matter how tired you feel, put on your sneakers and workout clothes. Then exercise as much or as little as you feel you can handle. The idea is to make it a routine. There is no other objective at this point. Once it’s a routine, you’ll automatically start getting better at it. That part takes care of itself.
Week 5
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Leave about 25% on your plate, or more if it’s a huge serving.
Week 6
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By now you will have lost approximately zero weight. But there’s a good chance you haven’t gained any recently.
Week 7
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Experience a wrenching personal problem, such as a relationship disaster, financial set back or major health problem. This will take 5 pounds off you in no time.
If you are the sort of person who eats more when you have personal problems, my advice is to buy stretch pants or grow a goatee.