I’m back on the road today – this time to Pittsburgh where I will give a mirthful keynote address to a darkened room full of strangers. Pittsburgh has many wonderful tourist attractions and natural wonders. For example, there’s the Pittsburgh Museum of Things That Other Museums Didn’t Want, the Festival of Rust, and historic Fort Arm Pitt. And if you love seeing thousands of grey birds lining telephone poles waiting for a dropped French fry, you’ll love Pittsburgh.
According to Wikipedia, it’s cloudy in Pittsburgh 200 days per year. That part of the country has four seasons. If it’s anything like my old hometown in upstate NY, it means that during the remaining 165 days either your eyeballs are getting poached in your skull or you’re standing on tip-toes to keep your McNuggets above the brown snow line. That’s why I’ve arranged for a windowless temperature-controlled container to transport me from the airport directly to the hotel conference room. It’s all in my contract.
I have a feeling that vegetarians such as me are not welcome in steel town, so I strapped an emergency beet to my ankle and hid a carrot in the spine of my 3-ring binder. Bring it on!
You might distrust my characterization of Pittsburgh based on the fact that I’ve never been there and only researched the climate on my Blackberry five minutes ago. But that’s okay because almost all of my knowledge is a medley of hallucinations and misinformation that knocks around in my wrinkled grey thing (my brain, you pervert) until it turns into reliable facts. The cool thing is that 20,000 people will read this post and some percentage of what I said will turn into their “knowledge” of Pittsburgh.
Ten years from now you might find yourself talking with someone who actually grew up in Pittsburgh. You’ll try to impress him by mentioning the Festival of Rust. You won’t remember where you heard about it, but you’ll be pretty sure it involves floats that you wouldn’t want to sit on with your good pants.
I do recall – or maybe I hallucinated – that Pittsburgh always rates high on quality of life surveys. So they must be doing something right. I assume that part of Pittsburgh’s strategy involves discouraging tourism by naming their sports teams Pirates and Steelers. It sounds like the kind of place where unless you stuff your wallet up your own ass and clench, someone is going to get it.
[Update: Okay, it turns out that Pittsburgh is a very nice place. Now I feel bad.]