How would you like to be Condi Rice? It’s your job to stop the fighting in Lebanon. That’s one super-crappy job. Luckily for her, I’m here to help.
It’s a strange little war in the sense that neither side can win, and they both know it. Hizbollah can’t destroy Israel and Israel can’t destroy Hizbollah. And neither side can afford to give up. So in the meantime, since no one can win or lose, they settle for killing as many random civilians as possible because that’s one thing they can do. The thinking, I gather, is that killing random people and never winning is still better than doing nothing and looking weak.
I see this as part of a trend. The U.S. couldn’t kill Osama, so we whacked Saddam instead. Maybe all future wars will be fought by killing whoever does the worst job of hiding and also kind of sucks. That way you appear tough in the eyes of the world. And let’s face it – that’s the whole point. If you can’t defeat your actual enemy, at least kick the crap out of some a-hole that desperately deserves it. It’s better than doing nothing.
So I developed my own peace plan. It’s not a total solution, but that’s no knock against it since we all agree that no solution exists, and it’s better to do something than nothing. So really we’re only talking about choosing the best alternative from the subset of doomed, turd-brained notions.
In my plan, Israel and Hizbollah select a defenseless third country that has bad P.R. and then they bomb the piss out of it instead of each other. Maybe one of the little countries that sounds like what you yell when you zip your fly before retracting your hose. I’m fairly sure that EEEYOWAZAMBONI is a country.
In my plan, both sides can remain tough without any casualties among their own people. I know it sounds stupid, but when you compare it to fighting over who God wants to live in Israel, it’s at least a tie. And depending on what country they decide to attack, it could be a lot cheaper. They can use the money they save to send humanitarian aid to the people they’re killing. Everyone wins.
If the warring parties don’t like this peace plan, my other idea is to let God decide directly who should get Israel. For example, you could put the leader of Hizbollah and the Prime Minister of Israel in a cage with Sigfried and Roy’s tiger and let God decide which one the tiger eats first. It’s stupid, but again, not THAT much worse than the current method.
If I were president, I’d start suggesting goofy stuff like that with a straight face. At first everyone would accuse me of being insane or not serious about solving the problems. But over time they’d get the point: You can’t fix a problem that’s based on a hallucination until you’re able to acknowledge the hallucination.
Merry Christmas.