If you wonder why I keep blogging on these “unfunny” topics despite all the begging to stop, it’s partly because my hit count goes though the roof when I do, and partly because the comments are fascinating to me.
People asked me if I ever changed my opinions based on the comments left on the blog. The answer is yes. Yesterday was a good example.
Until I saw the comments to my Dilbert Peace Plan thought experiment I believed there was a theoretical solution to fighting in the Middle East. All one needed to do, I thought, was find a creative way to give each side what they want most – physical security for Israel and some version of pride or winning or Islamic victory for the other. I didn’t think the solution would be easy, or that I would be the one to invent it, but I thought it was theoretically possible.
After I described the concept of deeding Israel to Jordan and then renting it back, many of you said it wouldn’t work because eventually Jordan would try to evict its tenant. That was the moment I lost all hope in humanity. The thought experiment worked in the sense that I learned something: People can’t tell the difference between a concept and reality.
To be fair, there are people who can follow an analogy and correctly identify where the useful comparison ends. But the average person is more like a poorly designed moist robot. They treat all inputs the same – fact is the same as superstition, analogy is the same as reality.
My hypnosis teacher once explained his theory of why some people, including him, were overweight. His theory went like this: Overweight people like to eat.
You can look for the complicated reason for anything. But usually people do what brings them the most pleasure, and all the complicated reasons are baloney, i.e. delicious baloney if you are overweight.
In the Middle East, my new opinion is that many people enjoy killing people who are different from themselves. You can talk about pride and religion and security all day, but those explanations never quite connect the dots. If those were the real reasons, the problem would have been solved long ago.
Moist robots follow the path of most pleasure no matter how destructive it is. One thing that a poor, celibate male in the desert isn’t getting enough of is pleasure. But I’ll bet it feels good to kill an enemy and have all your buddies pat you on the back. And if it’s a suicide mission, those 72 virgins will feel good too. Remember that the average person can’t distinguish between superstition and reality. It all looks the same to a moist robot.
I feel sorry for the people in the Middle East who DON’T get pleasure from killing people. I wish I could help. My best idea at the moment is this:
1. Ease immigration to the U.S. for any Israeli Jew who has lived in Israel for five years or more and wants to get away from the moist robots. There are only 7 million people in Israel. I doubt many would leave. But it would make Americans less guilty for not helping.
2. Support peace in the region as a principle, but don’t waste any energy trying to accomplish the impossible.
I think there’s a 2% chance that Iran is crazy enough to nuke Israel, even via proxies. If I were a moist robot living in Israel, I’d want to treat that 2% chance the same as a 100% chance. So if Israel wants to level Iran just to be safe, I wouldn’t talk them out of it. Iran is pursuing its own pleasure, and that includes thinking about having a big ol’ bomb and smiting Israel. Moist robots have to do what feels good.