In yesterday’s post I said I wasn’t worried about voting machines being manipulated. Several of you asked to see my list of things I AM worried about. Your wish is my post.
First, I’m not worried about any problem that we can see coming. If you look at the history of the world, almost any time we thought we knew something bad was going to happen AND we had years of warning, things turned out okay.
The human population did not outgrow the food supply.
Earth didn’t run out of oil in the eighties.
The Y2K problem was solved.
The Soviet Union didn’t nuke us.
Vietnam did not set off much of a domino effect.
AIDS hasn’t annihilated the hetero population in the U.S.
With that in mind, I’m not worried about North Korea, global warming, Iran, the Rapture, al-Qaeda getting a nuke, the real estate bust causing a depression, running out of oil (again), immigration destroying America, bird flu, the next generation becoming morons, or any number of other widely predicted disasters.
Don’t get me wrong; I think we need to work hard toward solving all of those problems. They won’t solve themselves. But they don’t worry me precisely because they worry everyone else, and that’s been the key to solving most problems throughout history.
What I worry about is the stuff no one else is worried about. Here are my top ten worries:
1. Not Having Enough Money for Retirement
I have plenty of money for retirement if you assume I’ll only live to 140. But I have high hopes that scientists will someday learn why turtles live for centuries and I’ll get the turtle immortality serum. I’ll never be able to retire. And I’m almost positive that Dilbert won’t be in newspapers for more that 500 years. What kind of a job can I get after 500 years of not doing actual work? Plus I’ll probably grow some sort of turtle shell. Even Wal*Mart wouldn’t hire a turtle-man as a greeter.
I am also concerned that one day the news will report that Charles Schwab took all of my money and spent it on hookers and cocaine. Actually, I guess that’s more of a hunch than a worry.
2. Smart Terrorists
I don’t want to give the terrorists any ideas, but have you ever taken five minutes to think of all the ways you could terrorize the entire United States on a budget of about $10? Luckily al-Qaeda is busy trying to redirect an asteroid toward the Whitehouse. I worry that they’ll give up on trying to top the last scheme and actually do some terrorizing. If those terrorists worked for your company, they would have been downsized four years ago.
3. Assassination
When you become a little bit famous, and you offend as many people as I do, you start checking under the car before turning on the ignition. That’s why I have a mirror on my shoe. If you heard it was for some other reason, that’s a lie.
4. Shrinking
I worry that future generations will continue to get taller. If you consider my likely immortality, and the fact that people shrink when they age, someday I’ll be the size of a Troll Doll compared to the average teenager. When I start yelling “Get your hover-bike off of my roof!” they will just laugh and then rub me for good luck.
5. Killing Someone Who Deserves It
I worry about killing someone who deserves it and then going to jail for life. That’s a bad punishment if you plan to live forever. It’s exactly the sort of ironic thing that happens to cartoonists.
For example, let’s say I was driving a car in Florida and O.J. Simpson was in the crosswalk in front of me. I might get an irresistible karmic impulse to “set things right.” For the record, I would NEVER run over O.J., then back up and do it again and again. But if I did…
6. Bladder Explosion
I worry about being in stadium-like situations where the men’s restrooms literally involve troughs, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with other guys, and a line behind me muttering “hurry up.” My bladder would explode before I could perform under that much pressure. I’d be grimacing and doing deep breathing and visualization of waterfalls. Then someone would notice me and say too loudly, “Aren’t you the Dilbert guy?” BANG – my bladder would explode like a Baghdad police station.
7. Writer’s Block
Um… oh crap.