Being an optimist has its drawbacks. For example, if I’m watching a TV show where someone knocks on a fictional door, I get up and answer my actual door, fully expecting some good news. This happens to me more often than I should admit. I even check my door when the other people in the room assure me that the knocking sound is coming from the TV. I’m not persuaded by other people’s opinions in these matters, even when the fictional characters on TV get up and answer their doors. I can’t rule out coincidence. So when I hear a knock, I check my door, just in case it’s some sort of prize committee with a freakishly large check. So far, no prize committees, but I think some of them might have left while I was arguing with people over whether there was a knock.
I also get fooled by car horn noises on the car radio. Any time that I think people are honking about my driving, it gives me an immediate vegetarian-sized dose of road rage. It’s not enough rage to make me start shooting at other motorists, but I seriously consider flashing a dirty look at the car behind me. Then I realize that most people can beat me up while simultaneously applying eye liner and compiling a shopping list. So instead, I pretend to be a disabled guy in a borrowed car. Observers can only see me from the neck up, so it takes some acting. But I think I pull it off.
Lately I’ve been experiencing a bad case of Phantom BlackBerrry Vibration Syndrome, or PBVS. With this condition I am positive that my BlackBerry is vibrating in my pocket, only to discover that it is my imagination. About ten times per day I feel the vibration and think “Ooh, it’s an e-mail with good news!” So far, the only good news is that my pocket is vibrating, and that’s okay because it gives me hope that the condition might spread to the rest of my pants.
This discussion makes me wonder if you could treat unhappiness with a bell. If Pavlov can teach dogs to salivate when he rings a bell, he can teach you to feel happy when he rings a bell. Or at least Pavlov could do that if he weren’t unmotivated by being dead. The point is that you could imagine training a person with a bell so that he expects something good to happen after hearing it. Eventually you could stop rewarding the guy after the bell and he’ll still feel happy by automatic response.
At least in the short run. Over time, he’ll realize what an asshole you are for training him with a bell, and he’ll kill you. But I think we can all agree that you have it coming.