I apologize for not updating this blog for a few days. I was relocating my office.
Have you ever noticed that you can’t remember how painful it is to move until you are actually doing it? I mean, conceptually you know it will be “hard” but you never fully appreciate the fact that your entire soul will be water-boarded for about four days. At some point during the middle of the process you start thinking “I WILL NEVER MOVE AGAIN UNTIL I DIE AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO CARRY ME.” But a few months later the memory of the horror fades. I assume there’s some evolutionary advantage to this relocation amnesia. Otherwise our predecessors would have stayed in their second-ever cave, just pooping and fornicating until it became so crowded they couldn’t tell which was which.
I bought a model townhouse to use as my office, and sold off all of the grandma furniture that came with it. I only kept one rug. I didn’t need it for decorating purposes, but I figured it might come in handy some day for disposing a body. Granted, it’s unlikely I will ever want to do that, but if the situation comes up I don’t want to compound the problem by using my good towels.
When it comes to evidence disposal, you need a container that’s long enough to handle the entire cadaver. Otherwise you waste an evening trying to get it into small enough pieces to fit in Tupperware containers or Hefty Bags or what have you. It’s bad enough that you’re a murderer; you don’t want to be a time waster too.
I spend a lot of time thinking of the best way to dispose a body. Eventually I assume someone will invent a product for that purpose. It will be a small one-corpse boat that fits in the back of an SUV. It would be programmed with GPS to motor out to deep water and then sink itself. The body would be in a sealed container so it can’t bob to the surface.
I wonder if anyone ever killed a guy named Bob and threw him in a pond.