In the wee hours of this morning, on the other side of the planet, Roger Federer and Fernando Gonzalez played for the men’s championship of the Australian Open. (That’s tennis.) I have not seen the match. I recorded it. My viewing pleasure will be much greater if I do not find out the result ahead of time. And so, today, I will live like an agoraphobic caveman. I must avoid all sources of news, including other people who have seen news.
I’m sure the final score is already on the headlines of my web browser’s home page. So I can’t surf the web until I watch the match. I can’t check my e-mail either, in case one of my friends mentioned the result.
Halfway between my home and my office – a 47 second walk – lives a friend who is a tennis pro. He knows the result by now. He might have stayed up all night to watch. If I see him, or either of his tennis-playing sons, my plan is to jump into the community pool and stay underwater until they leave.
When I turn on my TV to watch the match, there will be a two-second delay before I can hit the right sequence of buttons on the remote to switch to the TiVo. In the past, I have heard sporting results in that two-second gap. I’ll have to hit Power and Mute almost simultaneously, then switch to TiVo with my eyes shut in case there’s a picture of one of the players hoisting a trophy. I’m already doing some warm-up exercises to get it right. Power-mute-TiVo, power-mute-Tivo, power-mute-Tivo.
I can’t go to the gym today. That’s the kiss of death, especially if I walk through the tennis department. The buzz will be in the air. And I know from experience that I can’t ask my friends not to tell me who won. They mean well, but what I usually get is something like, “I won’t tell you who won the match, but that fifth set was incredible!” That effectively ruins my enjoyment of the FOURTH set, because it tells me the that guy who was behind after the third set won the fourth set to force it to a fifth.
Normally, when Roger Federer is playing, the entire world knows the result before the match. He always wins. But this year, he’s playing a man on fire – Fernando Gonzalez. Gonzalez has ripped through some quality opponents as if they were high school players. He has the most powerful forehand in the history of tennis and a new coach who taught him how to harness it. His game is nothing short of breathtaking to watch. This match has the ingredients to be one of the best of all time.
I know that many of you will be putting the results of the match in your comments here just to screw with me. So it would help me out if about half of you put the WRONG results in your comments so I can’t tell which ones are the real ones. If you love me, you must lie to me. There’s a non-zero chance that you might burn in Hell for all eternity for your deception, but I think I’m worth it.