I hate it when any country does something better than my country. It’s embarrassing. The indignity reached its peak with the latest report on life expectancy. The United States is ranked 42nd. Who is at the top, you might ask? Japan? No. Switzerland? No.
Today I learned there is a tiny country called Andorra, about the size of an ass pimple, in the Pyrenees mountains between France and Spain. They win the life expectancy competition at 83.5 years.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20228552/ [no longer available]
So what is their secret? I ran to Wikipedia to learn all about their lifestyle and culture. I figured I should start doing whatever it is that they’re doing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andorra
First, I learned that Andorra is a tax haven. If you have ever paid taxes, you know it almost kills you every time. It’s no surprise that tax avoidance is good for your heart. I plan to stop paying taxes immediately. I’ll secede from the United States and declare my own ass pimple-sized republic, nestled within the perimeter of my office, called Paynotaxtopia.
I’ll need a national defense plan, and again, I’ll borrow from Andorra. Their national defense is provided by Spain and France. Sweet! This is the healthiest type of defense you can have. If the Andorrans screw with Germany, the Germans will shoot a Spaniard. There’s your life expectancy right there. I’ll borrow from that model and let Canada and Mexico defend me. In return, I’ll provide secret bank accounts and a tax haven for their politicians. They can even have legal prostitution in Paynotaxtopia, but they will have to bring their own prostitutes. I don’t keep any in the office. (At least not extra ones.)
The main industry of Andorra is tourism. That’s a healthy choice, and I plan to borrow it. The workers spend their days in the beauty and safety of luxury resorts. If they want any sneakers, they import them from a country with a life expectancy of twelve. If you think you have a better economic theory than that, don’t embarrass yourself by mentioning it.
If history is any guide, the United States will want to attack my tiny republic and pull it back into the union. All I need to do is remove all of their pretenses for attacking. I plan to let the nuclear inspectors have full access, and I’ll put a sign above the entrance to my office saying “No Taliban Allowed.” If any Seal teams want to check for terrorists, I’ll leave the door open.
The country of Paynotaxtopia will be a true democracy. I’ll elect myself every morning before I start work and resign each evening. And most important, I will have no oil. Even Colin Powell couldn’t convince the United Nations that attacking me is a good thing.
That’s my plan for dancing on your grave. Let me know if you see any problem with it.