Thanks for all of your comments on how romantic you are. I read them with a mixture of confusion, shock and dismay.
I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you. That’s exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich – the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.
Love notes and flowers were often mentioned. But again, I am confused. Hypothetically, if you were to give your spouse a love note and flowers once a week for a year, all it would do is raise the baseline requirement. It wouldn’t be romantic anymore. Indeed, it would appear too easy. So in a sense, the thing that makes flowers and love notes romantic in the first place is… and wait for this pearl of wisdom… all the times that you DON’T give love notes and flowers.
For every bouquet, the only thing that makes it special is the months that went by when you did NOT give flowers. So in a way, the NOT giving is the more important part because there is so much of it in the romance formula compared to the giving. Evidently, romance is the same as skimping.
I also noticed that a lot of the so-called romantic gestures have a distinct selfish element, i.e. “I took the day off of work to spend it with her,” and my favorite, “surprise sex.” Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that those only qualify as unselfish if you hate spending time with your spouse or if he or she has a passing resemblance to Shrek. Otherwise, you’re just getting something for yourself and your spouse is lucky to be going along for the ride. I’m all for days off and extra sex. But how are they romantic?
Romance also seems like gender discrimination. The things that women enjoy often take a great deal of work, e.g. “Surprise, honey! I shingled the roof!” Or “I planned a 14-day trip to Spain!” The things that men want are inherently easy, e.g. “I’ll leave you alone so you can watch the game.” Or “Sure, just don’t wake me up.”
Privately, all guys gave me the same advice when I got married: “Set the bar low. Otherwise, you have no chance.” Romance, I’m told, is the delta between your selfish asshole baseline and the occasional deviations from that baseline. That’s why Donald Trump, for example, can’t stay married. As soon as you buy your wife a helicopter, a ski resort, and a staff of servants, you’ve set her up for certain disappointment.
Now that you blog readers have used up all of the obvious romantic clichés, it doesn’t leave me much to work with. I’d look like a copycat if I took your ideas. So allow me to say right here that I am the luckiest man in the world for any minute that my beautiful wife is willing to put up with me. The best days of my life started when I met Shelly. I cherish her, and love her, and always will.