People often ask me to help them get out of various jams. This is owing to several factors: a) I publish my e-mail address and, b) I have an underground fortress filled with cash that’s rotting from disuse. Or so people assume. Philosophically, I think people should help each other and I’m happy to do my part in those instances when it makes sense. I’ve had more than my share of luck and it only seems right. I don’t even begrudge paying taxes or doing jury duty.
But let me tell you – being helpful isn’t easy. Obviously I can create bad feelings by saying no to a request. But I’ve learned that I can also get in trouble for saying yes. For example, if I say yes without the proper phrasing and expression of compassion, it sounds like I really mean no. And since I possess only a vaporous outline of a personality, I often come across as insincere.
Example:
PERSON IN NEED: “Scott, would you take a stick and kill that scorpion before it bites me?”
ME: “Sure.”
PERSON IN NEED: “OHMYGOD YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN CARE IF I DIE! FINE! I’LL JUST DO IT MYSELF YOU SELFISH BASTARD!”
ME: “Okay.”
The most difficult people are those whose problems are continuously self-inflicted. You know in your heart that there’s no quick fix, because they’d just come up with a new way to do themselves harm. In those situations, I usually have to lie, because the truth would sound too much like this:
“I’d love to help you, but you’d just find some other dumb ass way to shoot yourself in the foot.”
Come to think of it, that would make a great bumper sticker. Can you top that? What bumper sticker would you like to see?