Well, by now he’s in Paris. I’m referring to Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. Unless you live in a pineapple under the sea, you know that Paris just got out of jail. She’s got some catching up to do.
Paris’s legal problems started last year when she was arrested for driving drunk. In the following months she got stopped twice by officers for driving with a suspended license. The second stop resulted in jail time. My question is why, after leaving jail today, she didn’t do a few shots of tequila in front of reporters, use her prison skills to hotwire a car, and try to swerve home on her own. What was suddenly stopping her?
Instead, Paris let her parents pick her up at the prison in an SUV. I assume their chauffeur was liquored up so Paris would feel at home. Otherwise she’d be sitting in the back seat screaming, “Why is this car moving in a straight line?!! What’s wrong?!!!”
Paris has stated that she will no longer “act dumb,” because that’s “not who I am.” She says she’s worried about all the young girls who view her as a role model.
Speaking of jail, if your daughter is using Paris Hilton as a role model, you probably belong in one.
Tonight, Paris will appear on Larry King, presumably not acting dumb. If you think you can keep me from watching that train wreck, you are mistaken. I’m clearing the calendar. I can’t wait to watch Larry – who is more than 300 years old – ask Paris if she got any girl-on-girl action in the joint. They have the whole hour together and he’s going to run out of innocent questions soon after “Did you enjoy jail?”
If you want to enhance your viewing pleasure, just imagine that Larry is furiously pleasuring himself under the desk as he interviews Paris. It will make the questions sound naughtier:
“So….Did you take showers with the other women?”
I kid, but I have to confess I like Paris. I’ve never heard a report of her being mean. She works when she doesn’t need to. She has a sense of humor. And she knows how to enjoy herself. That’s more than most people have to offer the world. And we’ve all done our share of boneheaded things. If you think about it objectively, her career depends on being fascinating to millions of people. She probably does that better than whatever-the-hell you’re doing and calling a career. I’m glad she’s out of jail so she can go back to the important work of entertaining me.