There are few things in life less fun than a pickup game of volleyball. It always seems like a good idea at the time. You imagine yourself and a few athletic friends passing, spiking, and diving to dig out great shots, as the ball almost magically never hits the ground. What actually happens looks like something from a movie where a virus has turned everyone on earth into spastic zombies. You watch in horror as grandma on her motorized scooter joins your side, along with two toddlers, a drunk, and a woman whose hands are apparently made of bubble wrap. And your team is the good one. What follows is a whole lot of people acting surprised they can’t punch an inflated ball in any directions but downward and backwards. Meanwhile your youth slowly drains away.
I found myself in that situation yesterday, with my wife, two small kids, a volleyball net, and a rubber playground ball. In this example, the woman with hands apparently made of bubble wrap was me. When I became a cartoonist, I swore off all sports that can damage fingers because my understudy is the cat, and I don’t want anyone knowing she is the better artist. Anyway, I foolishly took one punch at the big rubber ball and realized that continued play was not a good career move. So I watched as the three remaining enthusiasts tried their best to sport on. They soon discovered it is nearly impossible to play volleyball with a big rubber playground ball.
That’s when inspiration hit. I imagined a new and improved game, which we soon put into motion to the delight of all. Spectators stopped to watch. I named this wonderful new game Scottyball.
I know, I know. Nine hundred of you will tell me you also invented this game and have been playing it since the middle ages. I wish you had told me sooner. Maybe we could have named it after you.
Anyway, here are the rules of Scottyball:
1. The ball is to be caught and thrown over the net, not punched.
2. Any number of people can play. You just adjust the court depth until it is competitive. (Our court was about 10 feet deep on each side for two-on-two play with kids.)
3. You get one point if the ball touches the ground on the opponent’s side.
4. The first team to 21 wins.
5. No spiking. The ball must go up before it crosses the net.
6. You can pass once to a team member.
7. When you catch the ball, you can’t move from that general spot until after you throw.
8. Anyone can serve from any position.
9. A ball that lands out of bounds is no one’s point.
10. It is your serve if the other team got a point or hit out of bounds.
11. If you hit the net on your serve, and it goes over, it is a let (do over).
12. If your serve doesn’t go over the net, the other team serves.
13. If you hit the net during regular play, and it goes over, that’s okay. Continue play.
14. You can pass to yourself or a teammate off the net, but it counts as your one pass.
Your first impression might be that this game is too easy. With such a small court, and no spiking, you might think no one would ever drop the ball. But you’d be surprised how you can fake, pass, quickly catch and throw to extreme angles, get the other side out of position, and hit the gap.
The best part is that every point lasts a good long time, is totally aerobic, and players of all levels can compete effectively. On grass, you end up with lots of diving catches.
You can adjust the court size until it is compatible with the quality of your players. For better athletes, just make the field size bigger.
So the next time you find yourself stuck playing volleyball with a cartoonist, grandma on her scooter, and several spastic zombies, confidently suggest a round of Scottyball instead. Then act surprised that no one else has heard of this craze that has taken the world by storm.