When it comes to selecting my Halloween costume, I ask four questions:
1. Can I wear my glasses?
2. Does it cover my legs so I can pretend I’m dancing?
3. How difficult is it to take a whiz?
4. Does it allow me to be witty?
One year I wore a cow costume featuring a huge udder at crotch level. At the beginning of the party, I was simply a funny cow. By the end of the night, thanks to the miracle of alcohol, I was some sort of spotted mammal with four penises and one huge ball sack. This was my best costume ever, because women dressed as naughty nurses kept grabbing my teats. I experienced a sort of phantom limb effect that I found most enjoyable. And thanks to the four-teat design, I often had multiple partners. Good times.
This year I’m thinking of being a scary tree. I can have my face looking out of a big knot hole, so I can wear my glasses. And I can attach a sap bucket, drink beer all night, and never need to use the restroom. Best of all, no one expects much from a dancing tree.
The only problem with a scary tree costume is that it’s not witty enough. I need my costume to fill in all the gaping holes in my personality.
I suppose I could try to bite people and then say, “If you think that’s bad, you should see my bark! Ha ha! Snort!” But that’s the sort of thing that could get me stabbed with a plastic pitchfork.
I could take the Borat approach and say things that seem at first to be true, followed by “KNOT!” Again, you have the risk of stabbing. No good.
I’ll have no better luck with “Leaf me alone,” or “I’m packing a trunk.” There simply isn’t enough beer to make those jokes work.
So I’ll probably just put a plastic knife in my chest and go as an O.J. Simpson memorabilia collector. There’s nothing wrong with the classics.
I’ll be at my restaurant on Oct 27th for Halloween dancing. If you see someone in disguise who is a great dancer, that’s me.