Yesterday I experienced another freaky happening. I had just started writing a post about time travel using focused gravitational fields to form a closed timelike curve, when a reader e-mailed me an article about a dwarf getting his penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner. Total coincidence!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070820/od_afp/entertainmentbritain [no longer available]
If you think the dwarf story has nothing to do with time travel, you’ve never been on stage with your penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner while a thousand people wait for the punch line. I’m reasonably sure time stood still for the dwarf.
The article was sketchy on the details, but apparently this performer – Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf – was embarrassed by the accident, yet he was not embarrassed by his regular act. This implies that there is a NON-embarrassing way to hump a vacuum cleaner in front of a crowd. If you aren’t curious to see Captain Dan’s act now, you’re dead inside.
I wonder if Captain Dan has trouble getting girls. On one hand, he’s famous. That must help. And the ladies do love a man with dust-free nuts. He’s got that working for him. On the other hand, when you have a Hoover doing a Clinton on your Johnson five nights a week, it sets the bar high. His girlfriends must be tired of hearing “Seriously. Have you even started yet?”
I suppose no one’s career goes exactly the way he plans it. I studied economics and ended up drawing cartoons. I’m guessing the dwarf went to law school and ended up having hot monkey sex with household appliances in front of drunks. That was my backup plan too, in case the comic thing didn’t work out. But now it would just seem like copying.
Speaking of copying, an Israeli physicist is trying to validate my theory that the universe is a gigantic spacetime donut, and your consciousness is like an ant walking toward the hole. (I posted about that last year.) The physicist doesn’t know he’s validating that theory. He thinks he’s solving a problem with time travel, but eventually he will realize the full implications of the donut. Assuming he can keep the dwarf away from it.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20360859/ [no longer available]
As Homer Simpson famously said, “Donuts: Is there anything they can’t do?”