I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the easiest way to become the emperor of the world. The key word here is “easiest” because I’m not willing to put in all the time killing opponents that it would take to do it the traditional way.
So here’s my latest idea. I wait for an American election year when there’s no obvious choice for our next president. The upcoming election fits that description. Then I identify the most popular person in the country who refuses to run for president. For the sake of my example, let’s say that person is Oprah.
Then I form my own political party named Oprah’s Trained Monkey and run for the presidency myself. My platform would be “whatever Oprah tells me.” So in effect, voting for me would get you all of the same decisions and policies as if Oprah herself were president. I would promise to consult Oprah on all decisions and do whatever she recommended. The great thing is that no one would even care what Oprah’s opinion are. Voters would figure that Oprah is smart and caring and honest and unaffected by special interests, so how bad can her policies be?
I assume that Oprah would object to this concept. She might even tell everyone not to vote for me. But that would make Oprah even more beloved because it would prove she is not seeking power. Voters eat up that sort of crap.
In the televised debates, whenever it was my turn I would just shrug and say, “I dunno. I’d do whatever Oprah tells me. And by the way, each of you will find an iPod under your chair.”
Once elected, I would break my campaign promise of obeying Oprah. There’s no law against changing your mind. At that point I would be the leader of the world’s biggest superpower. Then I’d just start annexing other countries. There would be no military action involved, just some highly publicized document signing ceremonies involving no one but me. Then I would grant the citizens in that annexed country a tax rebate and tell them they can collect it any time they like. No hurry.
So the citizens of Cuba, for example, would each get $1,000 if they can figure out how to collect it. That’s serious money in Cuba, especially if you are a family of five. There are about 12 million Cubans, so that’s only 12 billion dollars. America can afford that. Then we just sit back and wait for the coup. Once Cuba becomes a state, their economy would improve through capitalism and we’d more than recover the investment in tax revenues.
I’d need a slightly different strategy for the richer countries. For example, Great Britain might not agree to statehood for $1,000 per citizen. I’d have to sweeten the pot by reminding the British males that American girls can’t resist their accents. I’d agree to subsidize airline travel to the mainland so they can take advantage of unlimited American poontang. That would free up the British women to date French guys. Everyone wins.