I was nose snorkeling late last night and had a strange thought, even by my standards.
Yes, I said nose snorkeling. That’s when you swim the breast stroke in calm water with your mouth below water and your nose above it. I just invented that term, I think. I can nose snorkel like a porpoise now that my deviated septum has been fixed. If you were thinking it meant something else, shame on you.
Anyway, my strange(er) thought is that while I am generally fond of the outside of my body, I wouldn’t touch most of the inside of me without wearing rubber gloves. For example, I wouldn’t want to touch my own spleen or liver or any of the squishy stuff. And don’t get me started about intestines and bile. Since most of my body is gross in that fashion, technically I am disgusted by myself. I literally hate my guts.
To be fair, I like some parts of me. For some reason I have inexplicably well-defined calf muscles. I dare say they are a joy to behold, but again, only on the outside. Their beauty is marred by the fact that I know on the inside they are full of gristle and corpuscles and marrow and whatnot. Yuck.
I think the worst super power you could have would be x-ray vision. Take a look around you right now and ask yourself how many people would look better without clothes. Not many. And if you could see inside them, that would be even uglier, but not in every case. You’ve heard the saying “She’s beautiful on the inside.” I think what that means is that her appendix is more attractive than her face.
The best part about x-ray vision is that you would no longer have to ask pregnant women if they know the genders of their babies. You could just look right into the womb with your x-ray eyes and, in all likelihood, mutate the baby’s genetic code. Good times.
If everyone had x-ray eyes, you would hear sentences that you’ve never before heard, such as:
“Let’s take a break. As you can see, my bladder is pretty much topped off.”
“Is that the pulled pork sandwich you had for lunch? How was it?”
“Clear the room! Monty ‘s about to launch a zeppelin!”
“I see your baby is a boy. And wow. He’s going to be popular.”
And last, “You’re looking at the umbilical cord, moron.”
Do you have any to add?