In the news, a groom in India showed up drunk, so the villagers chased him away and replaced him with his “more sober” little brother. Problem solved.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18389704/ [no longer available]
This is the sort of news that desperately needs some pictures. Otherwise you can’t tell who won. For example, I want to know if the bride is hideous. I think it’s a safe bet. I imagine the original groom at the local bar before the ceremony. The bartender asks him what he wants. The groom takes out a picture of his bride-to-be in the arranged marriage, shows it to the bartender, and says, “Can you make her look attractive?”
One theory that this news report did not explore is that this wedding was on a tight budget. You can spend a fortune on the bride’s hair and makeup and gown, or you can buy a few bottles of Grey Goose and get the guests and the groom plastered. Either way, the bride looks great.
I suppose there’s a small chance the bride was beautiful. In that case, the younger brother experienced the rarest of sexual fantasies: attending a wedding as a guest and nailing the bride. This would be especially gratifying if the brothers had a history of sibling rivalry. If you close your eyes, you can almost hear the sounds from the honeymoon suite: “Here’s. . . for. . . beating me in. . . ping pong. . . Here’s . . . for. . . saying I. . . broke. . . the. . . lamp!”
Their family reunions will probably be awkward for the next 50 years. I wonder if there’s an Indian phrase that means the same as “neener-neener.” And I wonder which brother will be saying it.