Yesterday I gave a humorous talk to a group of business people. Afterwards, a number of Dilbert fans asked for autographs on their program guides. I’m happy to sign autographs in person, but I feel bad doing it because I’m turning a perfectly good piece of future garbage into something the person will have trouble discarding.
If I were more famous, perhaps people would frame my autograph and display it. Or maybe they would sell it on eBay, or trade it with other autograph collectors. But I’m not that famous. The best I can do is turn something that you could easily discard into something that will make you feel bad when you do.
Every time one of those autograph seekers from yesterday cleans his house or office, there will be that program guide from September 2006 with my signature. And he will have to figure out what to do with it. It’s not worth framing. It won’t look good on a book shelf. There’s no point in creating a file for it in the cabinet. What the hell do you do with it?
I like to imagine that people take my autograph out of their drawers once a day, remove it from the protective plastic holder, and gaze at it while thinking good thoughts about me. Sometimes their hands might wander, and that’s okay with me. But realistically, I think my autograph ends up at the bottom the crap drawer, buried in other crap that’s also slightly too valuable to discard.
Storing my autograph in the crap drawer only postpones the inevitable. Someone is going to throw out that autograph, whether it’s the autograph seeker or his heirs. The only way that might change is if I run for President or assassinate the Pope. Neither of those things is likely. My campaign slogan of “Vote for me, you moist robots” will not be a vote getter. And some guy with a beard will probably pop the Pope before I could even buy a fake mustache and wig.
So if you see me in person, ask me to autograph something you wouldn’t throw away anyway, such as a child or a body part or an iPod. That will make me feel better and it will save room in your crap drawer.