My goal in life is to be carried. My thinking is that you’re not really successful if you have to do your own walking. I want to be so important that other people are willing to carry me from room to room, even down the street. And I don’t mean carry me on some sort of raised platform either. I want to be carried like a basket of laundry by one person at a time.
Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I’m not a billionaire. I do okay with this Dilbert thing I have going, but I’m a long way from being carried. If I had a billion dollars I wouldn’t do anything for myself. I’d be all “I’ll give you a million dollars to carry me to the bathroom and brush my teeth. And don’t wake me up while you do it.”
Obviously I would have a staff for carrying me from room to room around the mansion. But when I traveled, I would pay random strangers to carry me, and not the big ones either. I’d want the scrawny strangers to carry me because it’s more of a challenge. I’d tell them it builds character.
I might pay someone to make a special shirt for me with a luggage handle on the back. I’d use that for traveling. When I checked into a hotel, as the limo driver carried me to the front desk, the desk clerk would say, “Do you need help with your bags?” I’d say, “Yes, and for $600,000 I want you to carry me upstairs and hold me over the strainer. I’ve been drinking Grey Goose for the past six hours.” Then little 110-pound “Erica from Toledo” will leap over the front desk and start carrying me toward the elevator. That’s when I’d say, “Oh, I forgot to tell you: I don’t do elevators.”
I’d also enjoy having so much money that I could punish anyone who annoyed me, but in some totally legal way. For example, if I got a telemarketing call during dinner, it would go like this:
Me: (answering phone) Y-y-yellow.
Telemarketer: Would you like to buy some crap from a stranger?
Me: I’ll give you $500,000 to beat yourself up right now.
Telemarketer: What?
Me: You heard me. But now it’s only $400,000. You should have started punching yourself in the nose immediately.
It’s illegal to pay someone to beat a person up, but I’m almost certain it’s legal to pay someone to beat himself up. It’s just way more expensive.
Anyway, my point is that it’s important to have goals.