I’d like to be a saint someday. The only downside is that I’d have to be dead. My first choice is immortality, but it’s always good to have a backup plan.
As I understand the sainthood process, first you must be a role model for the Catholic Church. After you die, two miracles must be attributed to you. Jeez, how simple is that?
My plan is to wait until it looks as if I only have a few years to live. Then I’ll become Catholic and hire a PR agent to document my many acts of charity and kindness. For example, I’ll start a leper colony in my backyard. That way I can do my good deeds without traveling. If the neighbors complain, I’ll just say, “Hey, you don’t see me complaining about your dog. And my lepers don’t bark every time a car goes by.”
Career experts say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I hope there’s no law about dressing like a Pope. I’d get myself a huge hat and a robe. My hat would be all tricked out with an MP3 player and storage space for my wallet and keys. (Robes don’t have pockets.)
The key to being a Catholic role model and future saint is to act both wise and moral. I can fake that. For example, whenever I saw a college-aged guy, I would act all-knowing and say, “You’ve been using the computer with your pants around your ankles. You’re going to Hell.” And he’d be all “How did you know that???” and I’d be all “I’m almost a saint.”
Next, I’ll rewrite my estate plan to create a trust to generate some post-death miracles in my name. It’s easier than you might think. I’ll just instruct the trust to hire people to pray in my name for people with incurable diseases. It’s a numbers game. Some small percentage of people with incurable diseases will go into remission on their own. I only need two miracle cures to qualify for sainthood. Apparently a saint’s overall track record in cures doesn’t matter. Even if everyone else who is prayed for in my name drops dead instantly, it wouldn’t hurt my chances of sainthood.
It’s good to have goals.