I just heard that sprinter Justin Gatlin – the world record holder for 100 meters – tested positive for testosterone and steroids. I was shocked!
My first thought went to the second-fastest man in the world. I have this image of him being so happy when he heard the news that he leaped for joy with his mighty legs, penetrated the ceiling, continued on through the attic and roof, and landed in a nearby pond where he drowned. Because once you’re a loser, you’re always a loser.
How happy are the guys who sell illegal steroids? You can’t buy that kind of advertisement. And it sure makes it harder for the just-say-no people. “Kids, don’t do steroids. If you do, you might become the fastest man in the world and have so much poontang and money that. . . I forget my point.”
Just once maybe there should be a story about an athlete who did steroids and didn’t set a world record and hump his way through the entire Victoria Secrets model list. Otherwise you have what I call a mixed message.
Have you ever seen one of the bodybuilding competitions where all the contestants are “natural” – meaning they tested negative for drugs? The winner still looks like he could lift a car, and that’s impressive. But the winner of any non-natural competition looks like he could crush that car into a small ball, eat it, and poop it five miles into the center of a mountain. There’s a difference.
As I understand it, the side effects of steroids include pimples, shrunken nuggets, and the occasional rage. Are you telling me that science can’t fix those things? Just give me some Retin-A, nutsack implants and Prozac and I’m good to go. I think it would be worth it if I could pull a grown tree out of the ground with my bare hands. Then at holiday gatherings, when the life-of-the-party guy starts playing the piano, I could upstage him by lifting the house off its foundation and shaking all the furniture to one side until his stupid piano falls out a side door and into the pool.