Tag: General nonsense

In my mid twenties, when I was a banker, a top executive in the company offered me a job as his personal gopher. I declined because I already had a good job managing a small group of people. Being a gopher seemed like a step backwards. There wasn’t even a…

President Bush recently had some polyps removed from his colon. Sometimes polyps can turn cancerous, but I doubt his are. After all, President Bush hasn’t had much luck finding weapons of ass destruction. I’m posting this now before someone else thinks of it. I might already be too late. And…

I was in a happy place where the Internet don’t shine. Posts commence Monday.

Last night I met a script supervisor. She works with directors to make sure a movie has the right continuity, and one scene fits the next. It’s a fascinating job, hobnobbing with top directors, writers, and celebrities. No two assignments are the same. How do you get that kind of…

Every time I see a new reality show advertised on TV, I think “Why didn’t I think of that?” They’re brilliant in their own way. Their job is to make a lot of people watch television advertising, and they do it well. I spend way too much time fantasizing about…

I was watching a top political consultant on TV the other day. His head sported two tufts of over-achieving dryer lint above each ear, loosely connected by a few desperate strands across his bald-pated tundra. It looked like the top part of a bad Halloween mask. His job is to…

Today I read an article that said nutrition might influence the ability of children with ADHD to concentrate. Might? That’s like putting soup in your lawn mower and discovering that it might not cut grass. Every parent knows that if you want to prevent a kid from tracking dirt on…

The Pope’s Handlers I assume the pope has handlers, like any other leader, but with cooler titles. Imagine how hard it would be to handle the pope. How do you offer advice to a guy whose other advisor is The Almighty? I was thinking about this problem after seeing a…

Writing Funny Today I will teach you how to write funny. I will be referring to my earlier post about the world’s tallest man. Read that one first, two posts below, if you haven’t already. Picking a Topic——————- The topic does half of your work. I look for topics that…

Just when I was losing all faith in our elected leaders, a little ray of sunshine caught my attention. Florida Representative Bob Allen was arrested for allegedly offering one of his constituents $20 and a blow job. Unfortunately for Bob, that constituent happened to be an undercover cop in a…

Just when I was losing all faith in our elected leaders, a little ray of sunshine caught my attention. Florida Representative Bob Allen was arrested for allegedly offering one of his constituents $20 and a blow job. Unfortunately for Bob, that constituent happened to be an undercover cop in a…

In the news, a 7-foot-9 Mongolian herdsman (there’s only one of them) married a woman who is 5-foot-6. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19727485/?GT1=10150 [no longer available] This is the sort of story that raises all sorts of inappropriate questions. Not more questions than, say, the conjoined twins with two heads and one vagina, but…

Warren Buffet says the rich aren’t being taxed enough. That’s an impossible-to-solve problem as long as rich people control the government. Or is it? I got my MBA from the University of California at Berkeley. I will now make them proud by showing you the most important thing I remember…

One of the hardest parts of my job is figuring out what other people will think is funny. You’d think that would be easy, but my own sense of humor is far from the mainstream. I can’t assume others will laugh at the same things I find funny. In 1988,…

All of the major candidates for president of the United States are qualified. They know the issues. They’re smart. They’ve all shown leadership, and they obviously know politics. But which one is luckiest? I want the luckiest person as my president. That’s what I liked about Bill Clinton and Ronald…