Tag: General nonsense

[this is reposted because the system ate it once.] Did you ever wonder what it’s like to be a cat and have a giant human hand petting you? Speaking as a human, I generally like it when ordinary-sized hands touch me. But I wouldn’t like gigantic hands on me. I…

This weekend I was in Reno to attend a quickie chapel wedding, just two weeks before my own. I couldn’t stop crying at the ceremony. I was just sobbing uncontrollably. By the end I was standing in a pool of my own tears. I’ve never been so emotional in my…

Yesterday I was trudging the 47-second commute from my office to my home and passed a father taking his two-year old son for a walk. On a leash. Yes, the man was walking his child like a dog. The leash design was ingenious. It was actually a backpack/harness arrangement featuring…

Yesterday I was planning my funeral, and not just because of the things I’ve said on this blog. Preparing a will is one of those things you do before you get married, and yes I do see the irony in that. No need to point it out. Anyway, part of…

Investigators recently completed a three-year study to assess the benefits of praying for heart bypass patients. It turns out that that the prayed-for group didn’t do any better than the non-prayed-for people. In fact, the people who knew they were being prayed for actually did a little worse. The researchers…

Later today I have a tennis match against a 20-year old woman who plays for her college team on a tennis scholarship. Her mom is the tennis pro at the health club where I play. I am still formulating my strategy for avoiding embarrassment. My current plan is to run…

I wonder how much it would cost to have my own army composed of third world mercenaries. I’d want them as more of a status symbol than a fighting force. Obviously I’d have to hire my soldiers from a country where the annual wage is $1.25, otherwise it gets expensive….

Yesterday I gave a speech at a hotel in San Francisco. Afterwards, the hotel valet was retrieving my car as I waited out front. I guarded my tiny carry-on sized bag against the two drooling doormen as their eyelids made cha-ching sounds. You could almost hear them thinking “If I…

After my recent post, a reader alerted me to the true story of a man in India who was born with a 13-inch tail. People think he’s a reincarnation of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman. The man claims that people are cured of severe ailments when they touch his tail….

Wouldn’t it be great to have a tail? It would come in handy for so many different household chores. For example, when I iron a shirt, I want to hold the shirt, the iron, and the electrical cord to keep it out of the way. There’s no way you can…

I noticed that a number of people felt that my recent posts have been self-absorbed and arrogant. My first reaction is “Gee, I don’t want to be self-absorbed and arrogant.” So I decided to apply my gigantic intellect – the one that is far, far superior to yours – toward…

One of the benefits of being easily frightened is that I avoid a lot of potentially painful experiences via a process I call “running like a frightened rabbit.” That came in handy today on the plane during the boarding process. I was seated in an aisle row while a klutzy…

I have a confession. I. . . love. . . television. When people tell me that they enjoy movies, but they don’t watch television, I generally assume one or more of these things to be true: 1. They don’t have a DVR (poor backwards bastards)2. They haven’t sampled any of…

One of the perks of being a big-time celebrity cartoonist involves using a vacuum cleaner to get rid of ants in the kitchen. Before I made it big, I couldn’t afford a vacuum cleaner. I had to shout at the ants to scare them away. In retrospect, I don’t think…