Tag: General nonsense

All things considered, being clever is better than being dense. But cleverness has its downside. For one thing, no one believes a clever person. I spend about half of my day explaining to people that I’m not hatching a plot. You’d be amazed how often I have to say one…

I asked my fiancée what she wants for Christmas and she was nice enough to e-mail me a specific suggestion for a hard-to-find item. I copied the product name from her e-mail, pasted it into the Froogle search engine, and found the cheapest one on the Internet. That took about…

Last night I dreamed that someone gave me a tiny goat. It was about the size of a Chihuahua, with fur like a poodle. It purred when I picked it up and held it. And it never needed to eat, poop, or pee. It didn’t bark, bleet, howl or damage…

Thank you all for playing my caption contest yesterday. Your suggestions tended to group around the themes of urine, oranges, squirting lemon juice in eyes, rubbing lemon juice in wounds, and chucking lemons at people. These were all worthy attempts that followed the 2 of 6 humor rule that I…

The Dilbert Blog has been nominated in the Best Humor/Comics category for the 2005 Weblog Awards.  There’s no money in blogging, so I’m only in it for the awards. Please vote for The Dilbert Blog here: http://weblogawards.org/2005/12/best_humorcomics_blog.php [no longer available] I’m told you can vote once per 24 hours. Thank…

There was a time when I considered writing a self help book. But then I realized it’s logically impossible. If you think about it, a self help book is really just an author trying to help your sorry ass. It’s not as if you wrote the book yourself. It’s not…

Today my wallet was stolen for the 400th time, and frankly I’m sick of it. I don’t know what bothers me more – the crime or the fact that the thief always sneaks back into my home an hour later and puts the wallet back in a hard-to-find place such…

Kids, are you tired of hearing adults say, “Why don’t you just try it? You can’t know you don’t like something unless you try it.” Yes, you are tired of it. When my older brother Dave was about twelve, he developed the only known defense to the “try it” position….

I love hearing stories about illiterate people who managed to bluff so well that they became successful business owners without anyone being the wiser. That takes some serious acting skills. But the best part is that in the process of bluffing, you probably end up looking like the best boss…

My temporary home, a rented apartment, has its largest window facing other apartments across the courtyard. When I first moved in, I was careful to keep the blinds closed so as not to display my naughty parts as I pranced to the shower and back. (Yes, I prance. There’s nothing…

It’s 8 am, Saturday, Pacific Time, and I need help writing one line of Dilbert dialog. Dilbert is at a sales call explaining how his company’s product fits with the technology of the other company. I need one realistic sounding sentence that Dilbert would utter that is mind-numbingly technical and…

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that last week was about as pleasant for me as (pick one): a. using a rabid porcupine to loofah. b. having a head that looks exactly like a soccer ball and living in Brazil. c. being Darth Vader about an hour before…

A few days ago I invited the readers of my blog to tell me why I’m stupid. The results are in. If you are new to the Internet, allow me to explain how to debate in this medium. When one person makes any kind of statement, all you need to…