It seems as if every time I have a thought that I’m sure no one in the universe has ever had, I later find out that lots of people have had the same one. For example, in my earlier writings on this blog I mentioned that I often imagine conversations with a caveman. Amazingly, many of you have imaginary conversations, usually with historical figures. I started wondering if I ever have ANY thoughts that no one has ever had.
Today I will test that theory.
When I cross my legs, right-over-left, and sit on my left ass-cheek, my brain doesn’t work right. In order to think well enough to do work, I either have to have both feet on the ground (and both ass cheeks), or have my legs crossed left-over-right and sit on my right cheek.
I discovered this years ago. I have no idea what causes it.
Your first thought might be that it’s not a big problem because I can always sit in a proper position whenever I plan to work. Oh, if only it were so easy.
The problem is that I often reflexively sit in the left-cheek position, and for some reason it puts me in a dopey trance. I know I need to change positions to do work, and I know I want to do work, but somehow I can’t make myself move to the working position. It feels so comfortable balanced on that left cheek, and I’m always sure – despite years of evidence to the contrary – that THIS time I will be able to do quality work with only one ass cheek on the chair. And so I try, but it is always a disaster. In that position, my work can best be described as. . . well, half-assed.
I assume that’s how the phrase “half-assed” came into being. I can imagine some ancient human trying to invent the wheel while sitting on one ass cheek and screaming, “Damn the gods, the rectangle shape doesn’t work any better than the triangle!”
There is other circumstantial evidence for the ass-brain connection. For example, everyone has a favorite position for sleeping. It’s one of these:
1. Ass left
2. Ass right
3. Ass up
4. Ass down
You know from experience that if your ass is pointed in the wrong direction, you can’t sleep.
I also have my best ideas in the shower, but only if I have my backside toward the showerhead to experience the soothing, warm water. If I’m facing the spray, my brain can’t think of anything but “the water is tickling my wiener.” As soon as I turn around, I’m wondering how many observed natural phenomena can be explained by assuming the universe is shaped like a donut with a black hole in the center. See the difference?
I think you intuitively know that the ass is important to thinking. If you have an employee who is being an idiot, do you say to yourself, “I’d better go kick his brain,” or do you think “I need to go kick his ass”? Only one of those two things will produce better thinking.
And if you have a team of employees that are exceptionally smart and capable, what do you call them? That’s right – a crack team. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
If you are still not convinced of the ass-brain connection, finish this sentence:
It is easier to think after I…
a. Get a haircut
b. Take a dump