Every now and then I meet someone who prefers to avoid all sources of news. People say it’s an excellent strategy for a stress-free life. But it’s not for me. I’m a news-junky. In a typical week I watch about 9,000 people get whacked by all sorts of newsworthy tragedies. I can watch the same poor bastard die fifty times from nine different camera angles and still go back for more. But this important “knowledge” comes at a cost, i.e. my guts are generally knotted and I suspect that every object in my environment will either explode or fall on me.
Recently I was traveling and ordered breakfast from room service. They guy who delivered it is evidently the type who avoids all sources of news. I say this with some confidence not just because of his carefree demeanor, but also because he looks exactly like Saddam Hussein. As a general rule, if you find that you look like a brutal dictator, it’s time to update your look. Shave the mustache, do something with the hair, get an earring – that sort of thing. But he seemed quite happy with himself. I’m sure he wasn’t actually Saddam himself, but I over-tipped him just to err on the cautious side.
I worry that the next newsworthy mass murderer will look exactly like me. I see Scott look-alikes all the time, driving past in cars, at the mall. Often we smile or wave, both of us wondering which one is the “poor man’s version.”
Statistically speaking, you have to assume that one of my near-clones will someday have a bad attitude and a bazooka at the same time. The best you can hope for is that it will happen on a busy news day and no one will notice. But if I can’t have that, I’ll settle for nine camera angles and good lighting.