In the news, a man named True is suing a company for allegedly lying. Meanwhile, a woman named Sage is trying to wisely explain why it’s not so much a lie as an expression of an unlikely event that some people interpret as a likely event, thus effectively lying to themselves.
http://www.detroitnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070706/AUTO01/707060350/1148 [no longer available]
This is more evidence that your name determines your fate. I don’t know if anyone has ever studied this phenomenon, but I’m positive that if your last name is Chew, you’re more likely to be a dentist than a plumber. But that’s not my point.
In the above referenced story, a Honda Civic hybrid car owner initiated a class action suit against Honda for its EPA mileage estimate of 49 mpg highway and 51 mpg city. The hybrid Civic owner reportedly gets about 32 miles per gallon, which he believes is closer to the truth.
When I hear stories like that, I always imagine what I would say if I were the company spokesman. Sage Marie, the Honda spokesman, made the following points, essentially:
1. Hey, those are the EPA’s estimates, not ours. We say your mileage may vary.
2. We’re sure drivers can achieve 51 miles per gallon under certain conditions.
3. Hybrids get better mileage than regular cars.
Not bad. But it still comes off looking like the illegitimate spawn that is created when a weasel humps the living piss out of some other creature that also lies a lot. Here’s how I would have handled it if I were the Honda spokesman:
“It’s true that the EPA mileage estimates for all car brands are inflated, but we’re legally required to publish them. It’s our understanding that the EPA estimates are similarly inflated for all cars because of the testing method used. That makes the EPA estimates the only useful figures for comparing mileage. We agree with Mr. True that the EPA could adjust its testing to correspond better to real world driving conditions.”
Not bad, eh?
The problem with Honda’s approach is that sooner or later some wise-ass is going to start asking what sort of driving conditions you need to get 51 miles per gallon. At that point, Sage will have to describe a driving scenario that would meet that test. I worry for her that it might end up sounding like this:
“Well, let’s say the driver is someone light, such as Nicole Richie after taking a BB-sized dump. She’d also have to leave her purse home and drive naked, and shoeless, and shaved. Ideally, she’d be dehydrated and not sporting a Tampon. She’d also need to empty the glove box and leave the spare tire home. Okay, now assume she’s driving on a highway that’s mostly downhill, has no stop signs, stop lights, traffic, or bumps, and there’s an 80 mph tailwind. And assume it’s a relatively bug-free area.”
In the interest of not getting sued myself, let me say that I believe Honda Civic owners can get 51 miles per gallon under certain driving conditions. And I’m as curious as you are about what those conditions are.