Behold the winners of the enthusiastically unscientific 2006 Weasl Poll:
http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/shop/html/weasel_poll_results_2006.html [no longer available]
Keep in mind that these are not my personal opinions.
The funniest part of this poll every year is not who wins, but who doesn’t. For example, it’s no big surprise that President Bush took top honors for Weaseliest Politician, given his name recognition and the unpopular war in Iraq. The funny part is that Kim Jong-il only placed sixth.
Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. The Weasel Poll doesn’t measure evil or crazy or how much you look like a Troll doll when you put your arms straight out. It only measures whether you’re trying to deceive the public. Apparently Weasel Poll voters appreciate the honesty involved in saying “I’m going to test a bomb” and then doing it. Kim Jong-il would win a seat in Congress this year if he ran against an incumbent Republican.
Republicans, Halliburton, and the oil industry were big winners in their Weasel categories. But liberals managed to squeak out one victory: Michael Moore and the Staff of the NY Times took the top spots as Weaseliest Pundit/Reporters. The key learning here is that liberals are only considered weasels when they do something. Michael Moore and the staff of the NY Times actually showed up for work this year. That’s more than you can say about the Democratic Party, who placed only sixth in its weasel category, between Hezbollah and Hamas. I think a lot of voters scratched their heads and said, “Democrats…hmmm…they don’t ring a bell.”
Tom Cruise won for Weaseliest Celebrity. Apparently voters distrust any man who insists he loves his wife. And Tom also had the supreme bad luck of picking the only religion in the world that isn’t true. What were the odds of that?
Barry Bonds won for Weaseliest Sports Person. I don’t know if Barry took steroids, but when you turn green and start hopping a mile at a time wearing nothing but ripped shorts, people ask questions.
The United States topped the chart for Weaseliest Country. I realize that many of those votes came from non-Americans, or as I prefer to call them – unAmericans. But I think I speak for all Americans when I say that after all those polls showing we’re near the bottom of the list for life expectancy and education, it feels good to be #1 at something.