In an earlier post I taught you my formula for humor. I also taught you how to dance. And I taught you the meaning of life. I hope you didn’t miss that last one. The only thing left is teaching you fashion.
Fashion is essentially dressing in a way that makes other people less likely to say behind your back any of these phrases:
“Poor soul.”
“He looks like The Gap puked on him.”
“Maybe she has taste in her mouth.”
“Not bad for a homeless person.”
“Hey, it’s Carrot Top!”
At the highest level of fashion you can also make people hate your guts for looking too beautiful. I will spare you that horror and only teach you how to look exactly as good as well-dressed normal people and no more. However, I can’t do it alone. This is a group effort and will require technology, venture capital funding, patent infringements, and more.
I call it “Dilbert’s Closet.” It’s a hypothetical web site that shows the fashion challenged among us exactly what to buy and where to buy it online. It works like this:
Any person can publish his own “closet” of items he thinks look good on him. He provides his size statistics, several digital photos of himself modeling each item, and a link to the online store that carries it. As a shopper you would search the site for people who look like you including height, weight, age, coloring, glasses, hair and more. Then when you buy something, you know it looks good on people who look like you. I know that whenever I see a guy who looks like he could be my clone, only slightly distorted, the first thing I do is look at his shoes for ideas.
You probably don’t live anywhere near the guy who looks like you and is publishing his closet, so you can buy every item that looks good on him and not worry about running into him at a party. That would take embarrassment to a whole new level.
If you don’t feel like buying his clothes you can steal his photos and pass them off as your own on dating websites. It’ll make you look like a snappy dresser without spending a dime.
The operator of the Dilbert’s Closet website and the people who run the individual closets would get a small referral fee from each transaction completed, like Amazon’s referral program. Over time, the people with the best closets would make fortunes.
And here’s the cool part: Every item of clothing you publish online becomes a business expense and tax write-off. At least until you get audited and have to explain that you get your tax advice from The Dilbert Blog.
Usually when I write about an idea, hundreds of people gleefully tell me it already exists. If that’s the case here, let me know. I need some shirts.
If it’s not the case, who wants to help me make a prototype?