At about this time every year I have two lists that I carry everywhere. One is my Christmas shopping list. The other is the list of people I need to kill because they finished all of their shopping in October.
Regular readers of this blog will not be surprised to learn that I am a bad shopper. I blame this defect on being so filled with testosterone that I can shoot it from my wrists like Spiderman. I have all the telltale signs of testosterone overdose:
– Angular facial features
– Early hair loss
– Easily aroused by looking at dried apricots
– Always carry a list of people to kill
But the biggest problem with all of this testosterone sloshing around in me is that shopping is my kryptonite. I walk into a store and the blood drains out of my torso and fills my ankles. After three minutes in Bed Bath and Beyond I start praying for a stack of decorative candles to fall on me and end my misery. Sometimes I’ll just curl up under a pile of throw rugs and start screaming for Lassie to get help.
Shopping is extra difficult for me because I am cursed with a high degree of practicality. For example, I won’t buy anything for the family unless I have a good idea where it will be kept in the house. Our tiny home is already full. I won’t buy a new toaster if the only place I can imagine it being stored is on top of the television.
It is also understood that I should not buy any items for the family that require judgment about style, taste or fashion. And these days that’s everything from clothes to jewelry to iPods. We already have two computers and a cupboard full of white rice; there isn’t much left that I am qualified to purchase.
If you are having a similar shopping problem, there is one category of goods that I can recommend for you but I can’t buy for my own family because they’d suspect I didn’t pay for it. I’m talking about genuine Dilbert merchandise.
For years people have asked me when there would be a Dilbert board game. That happy day is here. You can get your Dilbert board game at Borders or online at ThinkGeek.com. It’s the perfect gift for the cube dweller in your life. Here’s the link:
Dilbert: The Board Game
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/games/8e57/ [no longer available]
There’s also still time to get your Dilbert calendar before Christmas if you act now. See your local bookstore or order one of these Dilbert calendars online at:
Dilbert 2007 Day-to-Day Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740759191/ref=nosim/unitedmedia [no longer available]
Dilbert: 2007 eDay2Day Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740763172/ref=nosim/unitedmedia [no longer available]
Dilbert 2007 Wall Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740758543/ref=nosim/unitedmedia [no longer available]
And no stocking is complete without the latest Dilbert book:
Try Rebooting Yourself
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740761900/ref=nosim/unitedmedia
Now, if history is our guide, several readers will leave angry comments because they are beginning to suspect that I might be using this blog for commercial gain. If you are one of those people, allow me to help by writing your angry comment for you:
“WTF??? I used to read this blog because sometimes you used naughty words and that amused me, but now it has turned into nothing but a commercial for Dilbert merchandise. Aren’t you rich enough? I hope you choke on your money. I will never read your blog again. And your comic strip looks like it was drawn by a monkey on acid. Good bye forever.”
On the other hand, if you are a person who understands the point of capitalism and enjoys this blog and/or Dilbert, and is looking for a gift that doesn’t require style, taste or fashion sense, please consider a Dilbert board game, calendar or book. The people who invested in making those products and worked hard to get them into stores would appreciate it. So would I.