Yesterday I asked you to post your most amazing true stories in the comments. I have to admit they are fascinating. If you haven’t spent an hour reading the comments from yesterday, you really should stop working and do it now.
The main thing I noticed is how many of you have been hit by cars. Apparently people who read The Dilbert Blog are prime targets for vehicular assault. If you are part of the small group of Dilbert Blog readers that have not yet been hit by a car, keep an eye out. Your time is probably coming.
As I guessed, at least one of you has killed people recently (insurgents in Iraq). There were lots of great stories of psychic things and ghosts and visions and healing and angels and UFO sightings. And lots of brushes with crime. Good stuff.
I’ll throw in my own amazing stories just to round out things. Summary: I’ve been robbed three times at gunpoint and once by “very large knife.” I’ve also had a gun pointed at my head and the trigger pulled.
My first two robberies came while I worked as a bank teller at Crocker Bank in San Francisco. One of the robbers did the “gun-in-pocket-or-is-it-my-finger” routine. I chose not to test the finger hypothesis. The second guy put the gun right up to my nose. I pulled the silent alarm while I was looking down the barrel of the gun. Sure, it was dangerous, but I needed to keep that $735/month job. Eventually that robber got caught and I picked him out of a lineup. It is very cool to pick people out of lineups. It’s just like TV.
The third robbery happened as I got into my car in San Francisco at night. A guy came up to the car as I got in and said, “My car is out of gas, I don’t have any cash, and the 38 in my pocket is getting heavy.” Thinking fast, I handed him $5 that was in my ashtray for tolls, hoping he would take it and not my wallet. That worked.
The knife mugging was the funniest. It happened at a bus stop in San Francisco. (Do you wonder why I moved out of the city?) A large inebriated street person sat down next to me and brandished a butcher knife and asked for money. I used my Jedi mind tricks on him to confuse him until a bus came and I got on. Essentially I responded to his mugging not like a victim but like a friendly guy having a conversation with him at a bus stop. He wasn’t sober enough to figure out why the mugging wasn’t going the way he planned. I think I told him to have a nice day before I got on the bus.
My last gun episode (so far) happened in San Francisco too. I was taking a walk and wandered a few blocks out of the safe zone without knowing it. There was an open window very close to the sidewalk. I heard someone inside say, “Hey!” I stopped and looked, only to see a very real revolver extended out the window and aimed at my forehead. The very real gang member squeezed the trigger. I watched the revolver turn and heard the “click.” No round in the chamber. He laughed. I didn’t hear him say “Ahh, good times!” but I’m sure he was thinking it.
Once I was walking across the Golden Gate Bridge, enjoying the spectacular view, when I made the mistake of looking down. The Coast Guard was pulling a body out of the water. Apparently a jumper had gone over the railing minutes before I got there.
I’ve had my apartment robbed once and my car stereo stolen three times. Now I live in the suburbs where the worst crime is people that walk their dogs and don’t pick up the poop.
I should mention that all of these these dangerous things happened in the early 80s. I doubt San Francisco is so dangerous now.
I’m just getting warmed up. What’s wrong with you people that have no stories?